I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
