So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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