please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
