I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
