I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
