Is it normal to miss your booty call?
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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