Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
