I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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