drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
