Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
