fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
