Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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