I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
that's an acceptable place to lick
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
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