i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
