But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
