She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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