Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
