I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
