her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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