i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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