She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Mom said you looked used
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
