My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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