I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
