i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
