Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
