I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
