I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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