Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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