I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
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