god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
