Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
