I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
