I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
