his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Randomize
