its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I have tasted many bathrooms
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
