I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Randomize
