forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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