She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
We are all done wearing pants today
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
