just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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