yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
