I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Randomize
