I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Randomize
