My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
