In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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