Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Randomize
