i jhust puked up my retainher.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
