I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
