I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
