she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
