Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
