Where is the hickey?
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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